Admittedly, I am someone who is a mess.
My room floor has had a pile of clothes and things in nearly all the corners for the past few years now. Every so often, I clean it up and put things where they need to go and then I finally have a floor I can vacuum, but it quickly becomes covered with things again.
I take way too long to do the dishes if I have to hand wash them. The dishwasher has always been a good friend of mine since I can just throw bowls in and not have to do anything more than push a button.
Things accumulate on the floor, couch, and table when they’re new (and let’s be honest, even old) and don’t have an actual dedicated space yet. Either due to there being little space in my room or simply because I’m not in the mood to do anything with it yet or I have other things to do and I’ll “get to it later”.
My dad says I got my messiness trait from him, and maybe that’s true to an extent, but I don’t think that’s the main reason for my mess. Growing up, whenever I would try to declutter and clean my space, I was met with my abuser telling (or rather yelling) at me for trying to clean, claiming that I would just make things worse. At the same time, I would be yelled at for not cleaning my mess.
Eventually, that became so ingrained into my head that I would stop attempting to clean and it unfortunately went into my adult years. My dishes would pile up at my ex’s house. Clean clothes would stay either on the opposite side of my bed or I’d throw them onto the corner of my floor. My room always has too much stuff in it because I continue to buy things I don’t need (but that’s a conversation for another day).
And now, I know that it’s not a healthy way to live. I hate not being able to really see my floor. I hate that I haven’t been able to vacuum in so long. I hate feeling suffocated by stuff. And yet again, I’m going through what I own and getting rid trash, things I haven’t looked at in ages, clothes that no longer fit me or suit my style, etc.
(But how long does that last?)
Of course, simply getting rid of things will not fix the issue. I have to reprogram my brain to not want to buy new things to fill whatever void I have. I have to reprogram my brain to know that the thirty second drill of buying new things does nothing for me in the future when I end up never using or wearing the new item, or even forget that it ever existed. If I don’t do this, then the cycle continues.
But that’s its own conversation for another day.
To those who have also been abused and deal with this, I want to tell you that it will be okay. It may take time, but with little steps, some therapy, and the help of some YouTube videos, I’ve been able to make an attempt to work past this stuff.
To those who haven’t been abused, be patient with those of us who have. Don’t automatically write us off as “lazy” because we take a while to do even the simplest of tasks. It’s something that you don’t understand, which is fine (as nobody should have to go through what we do or did), but use that ignorance to learn and understand, not belittle.