Feeling Like A Child After Abuse

I must admit that at the age of 26, I still tend to feel like I’m a child stuck inside of a 26-year-old’s body. It’s something that has been itching at me for quite some time and I guess I didn’t really realize what it was or why that was until Kati Morton, a therapist and mental health YouTuber, recently uploaded a video talking about this. This was the video that I was missing from my life.

Abuse has been a part of my life for so long. It’s something that I’m still trying to get over today. This is a reason why I have started making videos and writing about it, to let go what I experienced and to educate others about it and to try to keep abuse from happening to other kids.

So, on Thursday, I was very intrigued by Kati’s new video in my subscription box. I’ve liked and watched a good amount of her videos but this one really caught my eye since it was something about me. When I finished watching it, I ended up realizing something that I was trying to figure out before. This was a video that had been missing all of my life.

I admit that I am someone who struggles to do adult things. Of course, I’m sure all adults have trouble doing this because life but I felt like it was worse for me. For example, I’m someone who struggles to clean. I’m awful at cleaning dishes, cleaning my space. My room has always been filled with things because I was never allowed to clean my room while at the same time was always in trouble for not cleaning my room because I would “mess it up” or whatever reason. I slacked at dishes because of the same reason and that was something that has been occurring when I’m in other people’s spaces for a long period of time. It had gotten to the point where there would be conversation about the fact that dishes weren’t done, sometimes behind my back.

Another thing that I realized is that with certain people (like a significant other), I started to talk “younger” than I was, basically using a childlike voice, in certain situations. It was an a-ha! moment when I looked through the comments of the video and read one from someone who talked about that issue. Doing something like that would make me feel small (for lack of a better word) and I felt like it was just someone who wasn’t me. I couldn’t figure out why I was doing this.

Then what I found out from Kati made so much sense to me. She said that because of the trauma we’ve experienced, our brain can create a sort of road block and we can be set in certain ways, in a certain age inside of our bodies. I’ve realized I have still sort of been stuck in the younger ages mentally (not 24/7 or anything, but just when it comes to certain things) and this is why.

This is something that I have been trying to work on. While I went through a decluttering journey a few years ago, everything quickly reversed as I got sucked into buying more stuff again while not getting rid of stuff to make space for the new stuff. Now that I’ve invested in a desktop/gaming computer for Twitch/gaming income, I had to clear my desk completely to make space for two monitors and a tower. Currently, my floor looks like a disaster, but I’ve been working on sorting through it. I’ve also been working on the inside of my drawers and my closet.

Cleaning the dishes has been slightly better, but I still have the typical adult feeling of really disliking doing the dishes. I would much prefer to stick them in the dishwasher which is absolutely an option, but there seems to be a bit of a flooding problem with it.

So people might think I’m lazy and, well, sure, I have my moments of laziness. But I don’t think that’s all that it is. It’s nice to finally possibly get some answers.

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